worth it

Earlier today, someone suggested something to me and I ended up being totally embarrassed -- my face went red. And I mean bright red. It made me feel so self-conscious. And it was stupid for me to, because, honestly, it was a good suggestion. I thought about it after church and shared what happened with my brother. (He so tactfully pointed out that I should feel pretty stupid for getting embarrassed over something so silly.) As I began to think about why I reacted how I did, I began to notice that my thoughts kept coming back to this -- not worth it. You're just not worthy. Please don't waste your time thinking that something or someone good could happen to you because you're just not worth it. You've screwed up so many times. You've said too many stupid things. You're too awkward, and you have cellulite and acne. You are damaged. Incapable. Broken. Scarred.

As I thought about this for the majority of the day, I finally just had to stop. I was an emotional mess. God -- I don't feel worthy. I look back on my life and see that I have rarely felt worthy of being accepted, of being loved, of being liked. I am acutely aware of my unworthiness and fully acknowledge it. It's not humility. It's just a fact and something with which I constantly struggle. In moments like these and at the end of the day, I have no choice but to collapse in His arms and cry, to share my unworthiness with Him. Because, let's face it, I'm not worthy. None of us are. None of us are worthy of His love.

But I call you worthy, anyway, He says. You are worth it because you're Mine.

To be faced with a thought like this forces me to become even more aware of my unworthiness while at the same time experiencing a lightness, a freedom, and to become utterly grateful that I -- for some reason -- am the recipient of this grace and acceptance. My status as unworthy shifts to worth it when I realize the Creator of worth calls me valuable. I realize, too, that there is a distinct difference between unworthy and worthless. I will always be unworthy of His love, but I have never been worthless. I am a part of God's creation. He formed me. He made me. I can recognize my unworthiness and thank God that He has a grace outside the bounds of human comprehension.

But even realizations like this so easily get crowded out by self-doubt, by legitimate questions that exist in the human realm -- "But God, I fail you every day. I have done so many things to hurt you. I have blatantly turned my back on you thousands of times. I am damaged. How could I be anything but broken and second-rate?"

Because you're Mine.

My worth is dependent not on my accomplishments, my haircut, or my perceived goodness. It's grace. Simply that. Simply a gift that I cannot understand and must willfully acknowledge every day. Yes, I am worth it because He says so. I can be loved because I am His. My past, my pain, my anxieties, my abilities -- none of these define me. God says I am worthy. God says I am His. He died to prove it -- the greatest manifestation of true love humanity has ever and will ever experience. He makes me worth it.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

      and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

Psalm 139:13-14 (NLV)

God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. 

We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.

Romans 8:16 (The Message)