climbing

A few days ago, I was talking to a counselor about life and how I wondered about progress and how I felt like a failure - I was back in his office, fighting the same battles, wondering when I would stop losing. I knew that I had been doing some things right. I knew that some parts of my life seemed to be fitting into place. But I was back in that office. "I just feel like I'm right back where I started. I just wonder if I'll ever move forward."

And that's when he told me this:

"Sometimes life is like a spiral staircase. You may see the same views twice, but that doesn't mean you're not climbing higher."

Sometimes life - our grief, our struggles, our victories - sometimes it's like a spiral staircase. We find ourselves fighting to overcome the same negative thoughts and behavior patterns that we were so sure were gone. We find ourselves suddenly plunged into grief over five-year-old tragedies nearly as fresh as the day they happened. We find ourselves climbing a spiral staircase.

Of course we have moments of falling backwards. Of course we may stumble. (I, for one, have always had a problem of tripping on stairs.) But the truth is this: our progress is not dependent on willpower or initiative alone. The only true progress we experience in any facet of our lives comes because of the grace God so freely lavishes on us. It's only when we accept this gift that we find ourselves taking the first steps up the staircase, steps we can take because Someone is finally holding our hands.

And as I think about how I've been seeing the same views twice, three times, hundreds of times, I'm forced to recognize that sometimes remembering and repeating is simply part of living and sometimes they're a reminder that it's time to hold His hand again. They drive me to a place where I understand that my "independence" really only makes me fall down. I need Someone to walk the stairs with me, to hold my hand, to lead the way. It's only when I come to a complete realization that I cannot legitimately do life on my own that I am able to unclench my fists, brush off my dirty knees, and allow him to gently pull me to my feet. 

Maybe we see the same views twice for a bigger reason than just life-cycles. Maybe those moments of heartache and hardship are chances for us to conquer a situation that nearly bested us before. Maybe when we see the same views twice, we can approach them as precious moments of learning rather than obstacles to be conquered. 

And let me just digress and say this - we don't have to learn these lessons alone. Déjà vu moments don't mean I'm a failure. They don't mean I've started all over. The definition of who I am and my worth is not dependent upon how many times I face an obstacle and win or lose. No. My worth lies in God's definition of me as His child - a child loved enough by Him that He offers to walk the staircase with me. Each time I face these moments, He offers to pick me up. He encourages me. He's ready to lead the way, and He's willing to carry me when the climb seems too long or when the next weeks, days, and hours seem like so many insurmountable weeks, days, and hours before. 

We can be grateful because we know that God is able to handle the sharp curves of life - we clearly cannot, we simply haven't the strength - but He does. He sees the twists ahead. He knows the trials we'll face two, five, ten times, and He's ready to lead the way. The question is - will we let Him?