I read the Message version of Colossians 3 the other day. And then I read it again. And again. And again. When I personalized this chapter, I was floored. This is how I should be living. This is what new life looks like. I wonder why I fight against becoming new - becoming the Colossians 3 person? After all, God says I'm a new creation. Colossians 3 should define me.
This is something I've wondered about a lot. Why, when I've been rescued from this death-life, do I continually return to the old way of living? Why, when I should be repulsed by those things, do I find them so easy to call home? I've started to realize that I don't even like the way I feel when I return to self-destructive thoughts and actions, but I seem to constantly find myself digging a hole and then trying to burrow back out - "God, I've screwed up again. I hate the way it feels. I hate the isolation from you. I hate feeling so far away."
But God's been telling me something: "I'm not far away. You are. You're choosing to run, to trust other things, to do what you know breaks my heart. But I'm here, when you decide to come back. My hand and my heart never moved. I am a constant. The road back won't be easy, but when times are hard and when you're struggling to stay strong, that's when you get to rely on me. That's when you get to know me better. That's when you get to fall into my arms, fall into my lap, fall in love with me."
I think it's crazy how I can read passages like Colossians 3 and still walk this earth like I belong here. I don't. I'm a new creation. A new person. I'm wearing new clothes and have a new purpose. But really, I'd rather just forget all that and do things my way. I mean, goodness, God, it's not like you know what you're doing. It's not like you've got a better idea of the future than I do. Clearly, I can handle this on my own.
Ridiculous.
But so the way I live, unfortunately, the majority of the time. God hasn't given up on me yet, though. I think the fact that life just really stinks when I'm apart from him is evidence that he's holding out for me, that he's willing to let me suffer and do life my way, because he loves me enough to let me hurt. If I never hurt, if I never felt badly, if God held my hand the whole way in an attempt to show me his provision and say "Hey, the Colossians 3 life is better!" I'm pretty sure I'd never get the point. I'm pretty sure I'd just forget God, take the credit, and be a hot mess.
God must love me an awful lot to put up with my antics. Really. I am amazed that 1) He lets me go off and do my prodigal thing 2) He lets me get hurt and learn and 3) He welcomes me back. He welcomes me back. He welcomes you back. Isn't that thought enough to drive you to tears? Honestly?
As I think about the Colossians 3 life, I know that it will be a continual process. I know it'll take me a long time - a life time - to be able to truly embody it. But I'm thankful God doesn't call me to be perfect. I'm thankful God doesn't call me to be in control. I'm thankful God loves me enough to let me hurt. I'm thankful God loves me enough to hold me when I come running back. What a beautiful picture his grace becomes against the backdrop of my imperfections. What a mind-blowing expression of real love.
Hey Sarah.. sorry it took me a long time.. what an elegant gift God gave you.. I will also say how inspiring that is to read how your journey closely mirrors many of ours. I would point you back to Romans 7 in where Paul said i "why do i do the things i dont want to do, and don't do the things that i should be doing".. im kinda paraphrasing..God is teaching me grace and so in that concept i am learning to love others simply as they are.. scars and all..imperfect perfections that they are because God created them..i look forward to reading more of your posts.. you have peaked my interests.. you write beautifully..
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jeremy. Yes - Paul's words were definitely in the back of my mind as I processed this post. It's comforting to know that someone who was one of the greatest leaders of the faith struggled too.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to grace and loving people as they are, scars and all, that makes me think of what I've been reading lately in Brennan Manning's Abba's Child. He says that's really what we're called to - to love others, to show compassion, to be a picture of Jesus to them, who was the ultimate expression of real love.