one year

It's been one year - one year since the beginning of a brand new adventure. I look back at what all has happened since last September and I'm floored. Wow, God - it's amazing how you protect, how your plans extend beyond my human capacity to know, and how, even looking back, I still fight you for control almost every time.

This year I've learned . . .

That it's okay to take care of myself

That I love traveling.

I enjoy learning.

Coffee please.

Pilates is a great way to de-stress.

That the human capacity to hurt is great.

The human capacity to love is great.

God's love is absolutely supernatural, absolutely incomprehensible.

Forgiveness truly is healing.

Doing the right thing will cost you.

I'm capable of more than I imagined.

I'm fragile (and that's okay).

I'm strong (and that's okay).

People will let you down.

God is reliable.

A life lived in devotion to self is no life at all.

Writing and therapy are one and the same (aren't you glad I drag you through my therapy sessions?)

It's okay to grieve.

It's okay to be happy.

It's okay to admit you're weak.

God's grace is big enough for me, so it's big enough for the people who hurt me. too.

I don't have to know the future.

I don't have to always be in control.

Perfection is impossible.

Friends come when you're least expecting.

God's Word, his presence, his promises - they truly are life-changing.

I am most myself when I allow God to be God in my life.

The crazy thing is, looking back, I know I've learned these things, I know I've experience them, but I rarely ever live like it. Mostly, I concern myself with work-worries or working out or trying to plan the perfect future for myself or stressing over the who, what, why, when, where, and how of the little things, the big things, and everything in-between. What a ridiculous, exhausting, unproductive way to live! After all, that stuff - the size of my waist, the number in my bank account, my plans for Friday night - it really doesn't matter a whole lot. 

And I wonder why I feel far from God? I wonder why I fall back into old behaviors. I wonder why, despite all the incredible God-moments I've had this past year and all throughout my life, I still feel distant from him. I can tell you this. It's not God's fault. It's amazing to me that, despite the hundreds of times that I've fallen back in to self-destructive behaviors or thought patterns, God still loves me. He still talks to me. He still wants me. And I guess that's where the concept of grace really comes in, because I don't deserve it. 

I've treated God like an old sock - useful when I need to do some dusting, helpful when things need cleaned up - but not something I need to carry with me on a day-to-day basis. No. That would be my iPod or my cell phone, thank you very much. 

But you know what? I don't think God wants me to beat myself up about it. I think he wants me - he wants you - to recognize the behavior, recognize that we screw up (that we're human!), and that he is God. We need him, and rather than finding another reason to punish ourselves or to buy a self-improvement book, we can run to him. The only way to make it through this life truly living is by infusing each movement, each thought, each moment with his presence. A total dependence on him demands a total death to self and, during those few moments when I finally allow myself to live like I believe these words, it's amazing the supernatural freedom, joy, and peace I have experienced in the middle of heart-crushing decisions, victorious seasons, and everyday responsibilities. 

I guess that's what we call grace. I guess that's what we call love. I guess that's the adventure he's calling us to. I wonder what we're waiting for?